"I'm offering back to school savings! Save yourself the pain, don't go back to school."
"Hey semi-colon, comma or period. Pick a side, we're at war."
" Okay, so we were lined up after recess and there she was, Debra Downing, girl I had a crush on since kindergarten.
And she says to me ' Do you like kickball?', and I loved kickball. It was my favorite thing in the world. Hell I was HOLDING
a kickball! And do I say yes? No! I say ' I don't know.' She walks away. Okay who's up next? Patty McPherson"
"They say 68% of Republicans don't believe in evolution; on the other hand, only 5% of monkeys believe in Republicans."
"Bless you! I assume someone sneezed."
"Did you miss me? I know, I missed me too."
"Hello nation! I've been gone for 2 weeks. Now normally I don't like to leave you for that long of time, but it takes
a while to build a tunnel to Wentworth prison. Of course I tried to dig there to break free Scooter Libby....anyway, I bought
myself a canary, told my wife I was going to the agrage, and started diging. I was 10 feet under the earth for 2 weeks. While
I was under there I was in silence the whole time, especially after I ate my canary. I should of packed more Luna bars. I
know they're for women, but they're so delicious! Lemon Zest,mmm! PLus with all the estrogen, I didn't have to shave."
"Real Americans fail geography so we can get so excited when we realize New Mexico is ours."
"Children are just lobbyists who get political favors for being adorable."
"Ah, those were the days. When middle aged men could invite children into their homes to preform experiments, without
"Some say this economy is sinking, but it isn't sinking! We're not on the Titanic! Why, if anything, we're rearranging
the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!"
"This show is an acquired taste. If you don't like it, acquire some taste!"
"I see patterns where none exist!"
"Okay, well, let's start off with your book. Your book; The World is flat. Oh really? What about mountains? Nailed you!"
"...America, take the bags off your salad..."
"An apple a day will keep anyone away; if you throw it hard enough."